This is a letter that I wrote to someone as we've been trying to resolve some issues that have been affecting my family, which have brought some of our church's problems to the fore also:
I was thinking about everything you were saying in our phone conversation, and I took some notes as well. This is what I wrote down:
- putting pressure on some of the people
- pastor was distraught about my situation
- you cautioned Pastor not to get too involved in our lives at the time
- I was reaching out in ways that seemed inappropriate
- my thinking is distorted
- at some point I have to more careful on how I use relationships
I've come to some conclusions. I can partly agree that I can be judgmental. I've seen it in myself, and other people have told me the same thing. And certainly that has caused some harm.
In addition, I see in our conversation that a familiar pattern emerged. The lifestyle that I experienced with Lety has had a similar effect on other people also. We lived a life together that was more than most people could handle. They were not the usual set of good and bad events. It's primarily the stress that is caused from living in a interracial marriage. But there are also steep differences in economic upbringing, religious views, moral standards in the home, male/female expectations, and the general outlook on life: its purpose, its significance, etc. But on top of that, we have what you have probably correctly identified as judgmental attitude on my part, and I'll add to that an idealistic disposition to the point of being a detriment, and we also have Lety's PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder just for clarity, from long-term childhood abuse that started at an early age.
Also, "The two become one." So for the last 10 years, or the last 6 since we got married in '05, you have seen me as a married person, who's thinking is changed to incorporate his wife as well. "They are no longer two, but one." A single man and the same man as a married man are two different beings. But that man, married to that woman, made for a being that most people had strong opinions about, and they were not favorable opinions.
The results were too much for most people to handle. That's why Pastor *** was so distraught about how to help us. I have seen that most are very disturbed by our problems. To this day someone I know cannot get a handle on the complexities of the court involvement, which consistently puts me in situations that are dangerous from a legal perspective. I personally love seeing how God's power is made perfect in all those tons of weaknesses, but yes, it has been too much, and too much for me, too.
On top of that, when we're having problems, and need help, it's even greater in complexity.
I think the right thing to do is get things cleared with Pastor ***. A pastor should always be able to help his parishioners. I think in this case I'm glad to say that I may be helping my church prepare better for the future by preparing to help not just whites married to Mexicans, but to help Americans cope with and work with Mexicans here as they grow in numbers, inevitably receiving citizenship, even though they don't even really want to be in this country or ever be called Americans. I have a plethora of information on this subject, especially because of my degree in family development, and I can be helpful in offering this information for study so that Pastor *** and other pastors can be prepared.
If the pastor doesn't help his parishioner, like in this case, the parishioner should go to the next pastor, I think that would be called the circuit pastor, correct? Regardless, we have to clear this up.
Oh, I was also going to say that sometimes I think even elders can get too comfortable with simple matters in the church, and the peace we've all enjoyed for so long, and not be ready for when problems like this come around. So my job is to go to the next pastor and explain the situation.